This week-end I got to continue a family tradition. All of the girls have played instruments throughout their school career, and none more musical than Charis.

This week-end she played her trumpet in the school band at a State School Concert. Charis is now in her 2nd year in the Concert Band (most senior band) with another year of primary school to go.

They acquitted themselves by winning Silver in their category. But the music was incredible. The crescendos in Nessun Dorma brought tears to my eyes.

Check it out, although I'm not sure the audio translated very well on the phone.

March Jambalaya

Nessun Dorma

I never cease to be amazed at the inane, even inept, "security" checks at airports since 9/11. I'm sure that there are mid-Eastern terrorists (I refuse to be drawn into discriminatory judgements on the 'religious adherence' of terrorists) chuckling themselves to sleep every night. They must smile to themselves at the debilitating, expensive, and frustrating inanity that the majority of the "free"world has to endure at every flight.

To add insult to their injury, of course, the Near and Middle East, controls the price of oil, again affecting the economy of travel. But I digress (slightly).

The latest injustice I had to endure was at Melbourne Domestic, flying back to Sydney on Tuesday. As usual, I had to remove my laptop. Not open it, not fire it up to prove it was, in fact, a computer; just remove it from the bag, because of course x-ray can't see the electronics through nylon. Well maybe it can, maybe a real terrorist that's going to use a laptop to detonate a bomb (why?) will be deterred by having to remove said detonator from their bag! But, hey, this has become std practice, and doesn't slow me down more than about 20 secs anymore. (Unlike insurrectionists, I actually want to get to my destination, so am not deterred in having to remove my laptop.)

But that wasn't the inanity.

Because I only spent 1 night in Melbourne, I didn't bother with check-in luggage, but had my toiletries in my carry-on backpack. Totally forgotten by me was that I had 2 pairs of nail scissors in said toiletry bag. Ok, so the reason I actually carry nail scissors (contrary to the instructions below) is because I am an ileostomate, and need to be able to cut a flange for my stoma. As you can imagine, having a spare flange is pretty crucial to avoid personal embarrassment and social upset at 35,000 feet. Usually I just carry pre-cut flanges, but in my rush to pack, I just through my toiletry bag in, without checking first.

The first interesting point in this security saga is that the scissors were discovered, or at least I was asked to disclose them, on my return trip. What this tells me is that there is no consistency in our airport security. Is Melbourne more secure than Sydney? Or do they simply have shorter queues at security?

Secondly, I had a 5-blade Gillette razor in the same toiletry bag. So razor blades don't constitute a weapon. Of course any self-respecting insurgent wouldn't go near a razor. The beard has to be big and bushy.

The third issue was that the number of pairs of scissors in the toiletry bag. When I was asked to "give them up for confiscation" I took out a flange, explained as best I could about ileostomies, and mentioned the very real need to have a pair of nail scissors should there be a mid-air seal failure. So, the security staff said I could keep one pair, but would have to give up the second. Pardon!!! I could even choose which pair I wanted to keep!??!!

So if I understand this fully, 2 pairs of nail scissors don't pose a threat to flight security when flying from Sydney to Melbourne. However, 2 pairs do pose a threat to security when flying from Melbourne to Sydney. But 1 pair doesn't!!!

Can you picture those terrorists chuckling?

I don't know about you, but I actually received 2 years of military training (in South Africa), and much of it was counter-insurgency guerrilla warfare training. Despite that, considering I was never very warlike, and there's 23 intervening years since my service, I seriously would not face a modern day terrorist. I do, however, fancy my chances against someone armed with 2 pairs of nail scissors. Maybe I'd be seriously maimed, a scratched cheek, a poked eye perhaps; but I suspect I could thwart an attack on the national sovereignty of Australia.

I feel insulted. What could I possibly do against an armed air marshal, a locked cockpit door, or an irate octogenarian stewardess, with 2 pairs of nail scissors? Hmm...

1. Use the first pair to jam the barrel of the air marshal's firearm. If there is no armed personnel on the flight, offer your first pair to the crew for manicures as a distraction.
2. Use the second pair to pick the lock on the cockpit door. This requires stealth, the precision engineering on these locks will take some time to pick with a 1 cm curved blade, and you don't want to be doing this with that "granny wearing terra cotta facepaint" breathing down your neck!
3. Choosing your moment carefully, stab the eyes of any undistracted cabin crew, rendering them blind. You only need to do this to the crew members on the cockpit side of the food trolley. Remember to engage the brakes on the food trolley.
4. Once in the cockpit, use the scissors as an aerial to boost the signal of your mobile phone. This will indubitably render the 3 navigation systems found on modern jet aircraft useless. This will cause the aircraft to veer from it's current course to crash into Parliament House in Canberra. This method of electronic jamming takes some time to perfect. Remember, modern 3G phones use a CDMA multiplexing technology, unlike the older GSM phones, which used TDMA. The fortunate characteristic of the nail scissors, however, is the ability to open and rotate them like bunny aerials on a portable television from the 80's. I'm sure with a little practice, you'll nail this. (pun intended - all groan together now.
5. If you don't manage to affect the navigation systems, don't worry, there's always the pilots themselves. Act with haste and cut the wire connecting their headphones to the console. You may have to be nimble on your feet, as they have access to a fire axe, and despite your obvious insurgency skills, dodging an axe in a cockpit is not the recommended method of hijacking an aircraft.
6. Once the pilots are rendered incommunicado, you can go back to your seat and finish watching the in-flight entertainment in peace! Without irrelevant messages from the flight deck about how cold it is outside, or the cabin crew about not smoking in the toilets You shouldn't have a lighter on you anyway - security picked that up back at the airport. What? They didn't....

Hmmm, I hope you feel more secure, knowing that our country's finest are removing all of these potential weapons of mass destruction.

R42