I’m disinclined to complain if I can help it. So although this post may come across as whingeing, it really is intended as a way of improving things if at all possible.

I’m currently on Air Vanuatu NF34, en route from Port Vila, after what, I’m sure you’ll agree, was a fantastic wedding anniversary week-end with Lucy. Just as with NF33, the flight we flew to this idyllic hideaway on Thursday, NF34 flies via Melbourne. I.e. this is a Sydney – Port Vila flight, with one stop, Melbourne!!?!?!!

It doesn’t take a genius at navigation, especially nowadays with GPS and Virtual Earth, to figure out that this is a peculiarly obtuse way of getting to Vanuatu. The islands lie pretty much North-East of Sydney, about 3 hours flying time, and Melbourne is about 1hr30 flying time South-West! So the flight has 3 hours added to it, even without the mandatory “clean the aircraft” stop of roughly an hour. If it were a Melbourne-Port Vila flight, with a stop in Sydney, it strikes me that passengers from Melbourne would suffer the inconvenience of the stop in Sydney, but no extra flying time. It also means that Air Vanuatu would save Melbourne-Sydney returns worth of fuel for both NF33 and NF34. The planet would have that much less carbon pollution, and our children would all be saved the horrors of global warming. So I’m guessing there must be a reason for this idiocy! Most likely a commercial one, that costs more than Syd-Mel return, the inconvenience to passengers, not to mention the wear and tear on the aircraft and crew. I just can’t figure out what….

Are aircraft parking fees that prohibitive in Melbourne? Could they just not work out a landing slot for Sydney? (Remember these flights are scheduled about twice or three times per week – so it’s not like they couldn’t change the time to suit a Sydney landing slot)

To add insult to injury, I booked this flight using frequent flyer points. So I was bemusedly prepared to accept a 7 hour trip time, including an hour in Melbourne International Transit. But what I didn’t notice, or figure out, was that today’s return flight, has us transferring to a Qantas domestic, that only leaves at 20:30. We get into Melbourne at 16:40. Yep, Qantas have us waiting (no lounge pass) for four hours because, wait for it, “There are no frequent flyer seats available on the flight.” AND “There are no frequent flyer seats (economy) available on an earlier Qantas flight.” WTF!!! I’m on NF34,and there are easily more than 40 free seats! 40! So we’ll be checking customs and immigration in Melbourne, transferring to Domestic, and hanging around, for 4 hours because of some computer code. This to me is a process/system just gone stupidly wrong. Surely it makes sense to keep us on this flight, in the seats we have, rather than take two “frequent flyer” seats of a Qantas domestic flight, denying some other poor souls who actually want to get to Sydney from Melbourne later this evening… I really can’t see there being 40 people (or 42 with us off the aeroplane) who want to check-in 90 mins early to catch an Air Vanuatu plane from Melbourne International, to fly to Sydney today.

When I pointed this out (not quite so vehemently) in Port Vila, capital of the happiest country on earth, they apologised and mentioned that the flight catering was already done, and as our names weren’t on the list, they would be in the unfortunate situation of not having refreshments for us. In vain I tried to explain that we would go without. In fact getting to Sydney earlier would mean that we didn’t need an extra meal anyway. But to no avail.

So, being a Silver Frequent Flyer, I called Qantas Frequent Flyer and asked if at least they could shift us to an earlier Qantas flight. I’d already been assured that the Qantas domestic flights had “plenty” of availability. Rob, the call centre operator rather tersely pointed out that there were no “frequent flyer” seats available. I explained that I understood this. But surely an empty seat, is an empty seat, and is costing the airline money, at least in opportunity cost. I offered to use points to upgrade to a Business Class Frequent Flyer seat. Rob explained that as I’d commenced travel, he couldn’t change my class of flight, but I should ask the staff upon arrival in Melbourne. I bit my tongue, resisting the temptation to ask why. After all, if the Air Vanuatu staff couldn’t avoid flying A about F to get to Sydney, and they couldn’t do anything on a 3rd empty flight about two passengers already holding ticketed seats, and Rob himself couldn’t magically change the code in the system (because that’s all it would take) to bump us to an earlier flight, what possibly can the staff in Melbourne do? I await with baited breath.

So Air V get the route wrong, at least in convenience and cost, not to mention crew workload. Qantas get it wrong with ensuring maximum ROI on their flights, not to mention customer satisfaction in their frequent flyer program. After all, ask me, do I really feel like a valued customer right now? Perhaps just an irritating annoyance for someone who has to work the centre on a Sunday? Did I feel that they would go out of their way for me, a valued customer, to ensure my satisfaction, or keep my business?

I got it wrong too. I really should’ve paid more attention to the itinerary when I booked it, and tried to change things a week ago before we left. I suspect that I wouldn’t have gotten very far, and perhaps would’ve just been irritated by the 12 hours of travel I was submitting my beloved to in order to dive this week-end. But hey, I totally missed the details on this, and that’s my bad.

On the flight, which I mentioned is hardly full, I’m seated in row 22, out of 29, and took especial note of the lunch trolleys as they trundled past. Food – drink! Superb. Leaving the resort at 9:30 this morning, I was starving by the time lunch was to be served. When the steward did get to my seat, however, he’d run out of trays…. Pardon? I was just assured that you catered for all the passengers on the list in Port Vila, and I’m not even flying with you to Sydney, can’t I have lunch? Please? Turns out that his colleague had the last couple of trays, “You can have vegetarian Gnocchi sir.” Great, all those years of evolution, or all that omniscient creative power, and my canines are going to waste. Apparently the chicken was finished. Yeah I bet, everyone else on the plane wanted vegetarian gnocchi! I didn’t even know gnocchi had made it to the New Hebrides! No problem, could I have a Coke Zero please. (I’d noticed these on the trolley earlier) Nope – all out of Coke Zero too. “I’m not having a particularly good day am I. Any chance of an extra roll?” This sparked a furious debate between the two flight attendants, some remnant of primal struggle (good thing there weren’t spears) but I did in fact get an extra roll, a beatific smile and an offer: “Can I get anything else for you sir?” The 2nd flight attendant really was trying, very hard.

“Well yes actually, I’d like to say on this seat all the way to Sydney, if that’s ok with you.” Apparently not.

I wonder what would happen if I tried to use the same boarding pass in Melbourne to get back on the flight? I mean apart from ditching our luggage, including 2 sets of scuba gear, at Melbourne airport.

As I finish this post, I see the Harbour Bridge outside my window. Doh!! See you tonight, sometime. I mean there can only be about another 6 “helpful” service oriented people between me and you.

We’ve had over 70 years of commercial aviation (my grandfather - Eastern, grandmother - KLM, biological father - Pan Am & United, step-father – SAA, and mother - SAA all flew for commercial airlines), we have increasingly automated computer systems, we’re in the information age. How is it that in 2008, we can still get it so wrong?

R42